24

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31/12/14

Lately, i've been thinking on many things in my life. I am 24 years old woman now. The word woman itself bring a lot of meaning to peoples' expectation. I should know i'm not a girl anymore and should be wise and be a real woman. I realize I still have inner side of immaturity. I want to do something to reach their expectation. Maybe i'll just try to fake it till i make it but i feel that hipocrisy hit me. Sigh. People asked me to be myself but i don't really know who i am. In 24 years of my life, i did really change my own self many time. Seem like i kinda changed by the surrounding environment, things circulating in my daily activities and people who have been together or entering my life. Me with different role, different character and different way of living. And in 24 yrs of my life, i kinda tired sometime. I am tired with all that happened in my life. I frustrated, upset, not satisfied with some reason and lost hope. Older people who read this may think 'what the hell is she thinking about...'  Yeah, I just want to sleep all day and been away from this place. No connection. Nobody will reach me, silent, peace and dark. Please don't misjudged me. I'm not thinking about ending my life as what you may think. My life was not as hard as i know other people are facing right now. I could just describe it as jagged and stony. Maybe i just need to have a vacation and a moment of solitude. Recharging myself.

What i had done so far in 24 years? Somehow, i feel i am still lacking a lots when i think about it. I was jealous at some people for their success and their good luck. I felt like i'm always in the bottom. I know i need to improve. I need to get out from my comfort zone. Have i done enough contribution? Have i done enough changes? What i had done so far in 24 years? I am not sure. I am not as my old me. I felt a piece of me has lost. Urrghh, why i feel totally lame and miserable while writing this post. Maybe this is a result of over thinking and i'm feeling down. My mind kinda messy right now. I don't know what my future hold. Do i still have chance to do what i want? Do i live in a life i dreamt about in next decade? Do i manage to accomplish my goal? And most important thing is, do i still have time and age for all that. I always keep thinking about them again and again. Do i still have time......? only Allah knows.

I should stop writing before my messy-miserable-down-like sentence become heavier. You are such a psycho girl! opss, woman-to-be.  By the way, I made a self reflection session this month. I asked friends and my family about me and got feedbacks. There were some view from theirs open my mind. As new year has come, i should be better, learning and love myself more. InsyaAllah~ 

Thanks Allah for blessing me again with another year. 

--------HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015--------